Well I have a week to go here in heaven. And it is heaven in many ways - for the past 3 months I've been living with the man, unemployed (this wasn't a good thing to start off with but now i see that i needed the break and time out) so doing whatever i fancy (as long as it doens't cost too much!) and generally chilling out and thinking a lot. I've had a lot to think about. I feel more at peace with my family situation and the idea of marriage and I feel a stronger person for it. I'm also more head over heels in love with the man than ever and am very happy. Although like I said, heaven ends in a week. The rent ends on the perfect little cottage we've been renting in the countryside, and I need to head back to my parents place to get my stuff sorted out for heading abroad for the rest of the year in exactly 2 weeks time. And there's a family wedding - which i'm not freaking out about! I know, check me out.

And then there's the tiny issue of my weight (this seems to be a bit of a summary post of everything I've achieved in the last 3 months so I may as well cover everything) - well not exactly tiny haha. I'm not at my biggest, I'm by no means at my smallest, in actual fact I'm pretty much where I was 3 months ago, which does mean I've 'kept' my lovely christmas stuffing BUT I feel better about my body than I have done for ages, but funnily enough I feel better naked generally than clothed. Probably partly cos a lot of my clothes are a little tight. But I hope that with some attention over the summer I can lose about a stone and be about a more normal weight again. It doesn't seem quite such an issue now though, which considering I have an extremely troubled relationship with food, is definitely a good thing. I have most definitely come to realise that I want to get back to a healthy weight (about a stone off as I said) BUT I am the kind of person who would rather enjoy their curves, their body, their food and their life rather than counting calories or watching what I ate constantly. Does posh spice ever smile? Well exactly I think I've made my point.

So continuing the summary post bit, this crossroads. I feel like I've made a few decisions. I'm going to list them because they're important to me and lists look important:

1) I don't want to be unemployed again for a long period (like months) unless unavoidable and I won't do it in the middle of nowhere again either.

2) I need to travel, it's far more than a want. I don't want to put it off much longer either.

3) One day I want to have a house with the man and have a few kittens. This may sound simple and obvious but for the two of us who are lucky to be in the same country for 3 months a year it would again be heaven. The kittens are important too.

4) At the moment the first 3 are more important to me than establishing some kick ass city career which I may or may not go for one day but I still kinda maybe feel that I should do just for the experience sometime. And money.

That's as far as I've gotten, but I feel like I have a little more shape to my life now and a few priorities a bit more sorted for the coming year or so.

Yay!

Urg, Channel 4 is really pissing me off. I am a massive DH fan, I missed it last night cos I only had 3 hours sleep the night before and I was knackered so had an early night and actually slept well and right through the night for the first time in ages. C4 has this '4 on demand' service where you can buy episodes, like the one i missed, really cheaply, just to watch a few time. Wicked, no probs, that's what I thought I'd do. Oh no, not so apparently. I bought and paid for the episode and then wham! It disappears from my download section into god know where so now one very grumpy email to 4oD and a sulk later and I haven't got DH to watch in bed this morning. And the man's gone to work so I can't even have sex instead. Might throw all my toys out the pram.

I'm on the up at the moment. Hence the less writing I guess. And I've been busy - wow, yes, little old unemployed me has been busy! It's been good actually. I've been to the gym, I'm eating well and I feel pretty good about myself right now. I'm very excited because I'm planning on going travelling next winter and starting to properly think about that is pretty cool. It looks like I'll be doing India solo though, which is cool and scary at the same time. I think I'll have an amazing time but I reckon I'll get lonely too and it does scare me a little the idea of being a little girl all by myself - like I'm asking for trouble in a way. But plenty of people do it and I won't take any stupid risks cos I'm not stoopid (although of course things can happen to the not stupid but then we can all be run over by a bus tomorrow). So, yes, I'm very excited.

What a boring post! Happy people are boring aren't they. I've been thinking all week really interesting, deep thoughts (ha well you'll never know if they were or not will you!) about the size 0 debate thing after seeing the Louise Redknapp program, but I feel like I've reached a new level of thinking and for once I'm happy about my body in those thoughts and I don't want to disturb them yet but thinking about them too much.

I start work in a few weeks! The man and I had the first 'we've not got much longer in the same place together' talk last night. Not nice. I will miss him desperately but I also can't wait to start work.

I couldn't get to sleep last night, also had problems sleeping the night before. I've been researching a few things that really interest me recently, last night it was cat breeds. I adore cats and as soon as me and the man are living in a house of our own and life is a bit more stable then i'll be getting kittens instantly. I'm not sure whether one or two yet. Anyway, it had never occured to me to get a particular breed or whatever, but I was looking into it last night on the web and it's a pretty fascinating world (if you're into cats anyway). I think I'd like a Somali or a Pixie-Bob, based on personality characteristics and looks and their needs. It makes me really excited thinking about it. which brings me onto the the other thing I've been thinking recently (like in the last 24 hours), which might not sound particularly earth-shattering but in terms of why I started this blog (to figure out what direction I wanted my life to go in next) I guess it means something. Anyway, I've been thinking that just having a little house of our own (me and the man), a bit of stability (i.e. being together all the time, me not jetting off places all the time), getting some kittens/kitten (not decided yet), and me having a more regular job than I do at present but one that I enjoy, and just seeing family and friends and enjoying life, would be pretty sweet. Like I said, nothing monumental but for where I am at the moment (living all ovr the globe, commitment phobic and unsure about what career I want in the long term) it feels like a nice, stable but exciting aim. So that's cool. I've also been feeling more stable about the idea of getting married. Or at least getting engaged and going from there. So watch this space, it could happen.

It nearly did today actually. It nearly popped out. But we had a bit of a fight earlier which is extremely rare for us so that kinda made me back off in case it seemed like I was saying that to patch up the fight. Even though it wasn't massive. But marriage is and I didn't want the two to clash.

Kerala. India. I've had a trip all planned out in my, and researhced, for a few years now, but just haven't gotten around to it but I think this year might be the year. That was making me pretty excited last night too. No wonder I oouldn't sleep. Even though the oral sex was amazing. But, yeah, so my big trip should hopefully happen in November/December this year. I'm not sure who I want to ask along - I have 2 girlfriends in mind so I'll chat to one of them when I see them this weekend. I think 3 would be afunny number though. Hopefully the man'll join me for a week or two depending on his work commitments. I want to do my christmas shopping out there.

Read a really scary fact on the net the other day that's been bothering me. It would only take an extra 80 calories every day for 5 years to put on 3 stone. That's a biscuit. Or maybe 4 buscuits twice a week, that's hardly a blow out is it? And yet over an extended period of time it really adds up. I find it terrifying that it is that easy to put weight on, for me it really puts it in perspective how modern food and living - even without an eating disorder - make staying a heathly weight a real challenge. The current obeseity epidemic is really no surprise if you look at this kind of figure, or even just the nutritional values in the average sandwich you might pick up for lunch for town - you don't even need biscuits to add an extra 80 calories to your daily intake.

I also read recently that a 20 year old male had died of malnutrition after refusing to eat anything but white bread, chips and occasionally baked beans. Sign of an era I think.

The counsillor still hasn't rang me back and I did a food shop today so I will have food rotting if I go on the CD before the weekend. Ho hum. Feeling upbeat though, it was a gorgeous sunny day today which always makes me feel positive (who doesn't love the sun?), and I bought the entire shop out of fruit (well, almost), so I'll be eating well this week if not just 420 calories a day (the CD). I made the most delicious (and healthy) pasta bolognaise for dinner tonight for me and man, I am a good girlfriend (see my halo!). I do love cooking.

On a different note I'm not sure about the season's fashions (I love clothes and clothes shopping though I wouldn't say I follow trends religiously, it's impossible for a start when you live about 3000 miles from decent shops for so much of the year). I loved looking through magasines today at the Oscar dresses. I'm so lucky that the man supports and understands my love of clothes - men should understand that a woman who loves clothes is a woman who loves to make herself look gorgeous - everyone's a winner.

Apparently I've been such a good girl today I'm getting oral sex to send me off to sleep tonight - it is such a reliable method of making me go to sleep that the man has to be careful of doing it at any other time of day or my sleep pattern gets all confused!

I'm looking forward to the size zero programme on tv tomorrow night, I think it should be interesting.

I had it all planned out. I had found my decisive action, I was going to start the cambridge diet today. But then I couldn't get hold of my counsillor. So yes, I perhaps should have planned in advance. Maybe. So I'll start tomorrow. I know I've been umming and aahing about it for ages but basically I've got to do something, and although I'm going to have to do a bit off-road style, I've decided it's better than doing nothing. The off-road bit basically means I'm not goig to be able to stick to it 110% as I know i've got things coming up where I wouldn't want to have to miss out on the social bit of eating/drinking with friends. I live abroad so much of the year that it's really important to me to spend time with friends when I am in the UK and it's unrealistic to expect those situations to not involve food etc, and as you know, I'm not one for sharing this kind of information (I doubt I'll tell anyone except the man tht i'm on it), so off-road it is. But on the days (like today) when it would (have!) been possible to stick to that kind of rigid diet then great. So that's the plan. When the counsillor calls me back. So that's kinda exciting.

On a random note I woke up today and felt really good about my body. I think it's partly cos of this plan, so I feel good in anticipation of doing somehting positive for my weight. But if I could wake up every day and feel really good about my body, whatever my weight, then I would be happy. It's the fact that I feel so shit about it some days that makes me want to do something. That and the fact my ass looks like cottage cheese at the moment - seriously. And I've always been pretty fond of my ass, generally I'd say it was definitely an asset (haha, no pun intended). Normally my stomach is my really bad point. When I was at my lowest weight it was loads better but it wasn't still what I wanted but I could have lived with it. Right now my arms have started looking really bad, losing tone from not exercising so much and having put on weight, not a good combo, but again I used to love my arms, so I guess this is all part of my motivation - I want to feel like I have bits to be proud of!

On a totally different note, I'm getting pretty excited about my job (I start in about a month!), I spoke to my manager to be today and I am loking forward to this year. I've also had a few ideas about what I want to do next winter (I won't be spending it sitting on a sofa in devon again as much as I love the man!), mainly travelling I think, if I can afford it. I'm not looking forward to being away from the man though. We spent over half of 2006 apart I reckon, and this year it will probably be more, although at the moment we've been living together since the start of 2007 so for the first time in nearly a year we've not been missing each other. It's the first time we've lived together. As you know, marriage is on the cards, but my attitude and feelings about that keep swinging round as well. Until I'm 110% certain and ready (I'm more certain than I am ready but if I'm not ready does mean I'm less certain than I think?) I figure it's best to shelve the marriage thing.

Eugh I tried to drink a slim fast for breakfast this morning (we have no food in the house at the moment) and it keeps repeating on me. It was gross. I only made it through about a 1/5 of it.

On the marriage front, one thought that has been convincing me recently is that, when you think about it, life is really fleeting. I'm not famous, and although I have potential, I've not done anything so far that will have me remembered by those other than my friends and family. I sometimes think about all the lives that have happened before now, the stories we'll never hear about, the young maids in big victorian houses and the countless men who died in the world wars (for example). All of them had issues, had loves and hates and feelings and where are those feelings now? Surely life only means something if you have those you love with you and you pass on that love, maybe to children. What I'm trying to get at, is that my reservations about marriage are incredibly trivial in the grand scheme of things, whereas being with the man and our love isn't.

Eloping does seem a lot easier. But would it be a cop out and would we lose out in the long run? Would we wish we'd made more of a celebration out of it? As previously discussed, the idea of having all my family and friends and loved ones around me does sound lovely but it also terrifies me at the same time.

Oh fuck it, I've made enough big decisions for one day. Now when's this counsillor going to call me back?

I've been away for a few days. It feels good to be back writing. My body image has been pretty bad recently, I'm going to be starting my job about 10 pounds heavier than I ended the last one which i'm not very pleased with. I think where I am at the moment I'm eating out of boredom a little, living to eat rather than the other way round. I'm not sure what I can do to change my position so its not the case. I feel a bit helpless but I also know that's a bit pathetic and you can always effect your own environment. So what is it that's currently stopping me from pulling my finger out? I'm not sure. But that's what I want to think about for the time being. I could start the CD and do it for a few weeks. It would be tricky, I've got a few things coming up. Or I could exercise more. I should really do something.

It's been a few days but I've been really wanting to write, it feels really good. This week I've been eating fairly heathily, going for 3 meals a day and snacks (like fruit) if I need them. And lots of water. I feel pretty good today, my clothes are fitting well (not too tight) and I feel curvy but attractive. Part of me feels like I'm kidding myself and I should do a VLCD and get my excess weight off (I am about a stone overweight according to the BMI) but it just won't fit in with my life right now. I feel like I've filed it away in my brain for a time when I need it (if I need it) but right now it does feel better for me to be trying eating 'normally' a go. It must sound so daft but it does just feel good. I've not had this feeling before.

Got a bit emotional last night because of family things, I wasn't at home for a big family do, I couldn't be there and I knew it ina dvance, there was nothing I could do etc etc but of course it doesn't mean I don't get upset. Living abroad so much I do miss out on things like this and sometimes you just start to wonder if it's worth it and that's a dangerous thought. You have to not have those thoughts or not feel that way to live so far from those you love I think. A few years ago I was happy to get away, I really wanted and needed to I think. But I've done that now and although I love my job and living in the sun, there are downsides. And also the man is now in the picture and he won't be abroad with me so as we get more serious the less likely it is I'll continue this career unless he joins me.

That's want I wanted to talk a bit more about today. The man. I was thinking about it quite a bit last night. He proposed to me over Christmas. It was kinda a surprise but also not - basically it was something we'd talked about but for me I was thinking about an abstract future - i.e. at some point but not yet - he was thinking immediate future apparently. Damn these misunderstandings eh. So I said 'not yet' and things have been fine - great even - since th proposal. We talk about it occasionally and we had one of these talks over the last few days, and I find it really hard because I know I hurt him because I know it's what he wants and I turned him down basically. And I love him, very much, and you don't want to hurt the people you love. But when I think about marriage (don't forget my own parents got divorced when I was younger), or rather, us getting married in the near future, I get this cold, gripping feelings inside. Terror, I think they call it. I've thought about it a lot, I've talked about it to both my parents, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Like I know my parents aren't together. So that means what? - I'm scared it'll happen to me/I've seen how devestating a divorce is/if my parents can't do it, can I?/they got married a lot later, therefore I'm too young?/Does what my parents did matter at all? Can I stop it mattering?/ Or am I just simply convinced that I'm too young to commit and at some point I'm going to miss being single, going out, getting drunk and getting laid? I think it is a bit of this. As I've said before, despite the whole obesity thing I'm not really ever been single for long periods of time, after I spilt up with my last boyfriend (18 months) I had one summer single and it was heaven. I had a wicked time, Definitely my best summer yet. So maybe I'm idealising a little. But I really want to travel and if he can't come too it's going to make me wonder if I'm missing out on anything. Or even if he came along I might feel like I was missing out. But then the man is amazing, I really could imagine us together in the serious long term so why would I risk it? But am I risking it already by having said no to him? The more I think, I think maybe there are 2 different issues. Marriage and what I want. I want to get married but not yet, I'm not ready. I don't know why, but I just know I'm not. I think maybe it's a bit to do with announcing our relationship to the world, I know when I think about marriage, it's the family gathering aspect that scares me. In terms of him and I as couple, exchanging vows and having kids one day, I can handle that. So maybe the marriage thing is tied into my family issues. Because my parents are divorced, they don't spend a lot of time together and I especially try to minimise time that I spend with them both in the same room. My brother isn't so bothered by it, in fact he is starting to seem like he encourages it. I think he finds them difficult sometimes but he's obviously not bothered by them being in the same place together. Why is it that is bothers me so much? Am I embaressed by them not being together? It can be socially awkward as they're such different people but they're both adults and so manage to be civil, it's not like there are police restraining orders involved. At the school I was at when my parents start separating, I was bullied because of it, because I was different and no one else's parents weren't together. They were probably scared it was contagious. Maybe I am embaressed by it. It's not an aspect I've thought of before. Maybe it's because as the eldest child I feel like I have to protect everybody and that's a lot easier when they're not in the same room. There are often disagreements and problems in my immediate family and I guess I do feel like I have to help out, sort it out or whatever. Maybe the idea of a wedding - with so much family in one room, is too stressful for me to even contemplate. Just before Christmas, there was a really big family do, on my Dad's side, the biggest there had been for over a decade I reckon, and although I only really realised exactly how stressful I found it once I was in the run up to it and directly afterwards when I felt huge relief, it was indescribely stressful. I am so glad the man was there and for how understand he is of me - he realised how stressful it was for me before I did. I mean, I also enjoyed seeing family that I haven't seen for a long time, and they are really cool, funny and nice people. But I do find my mum's family less stressful to be around. I wouldn't have felt like in the run up to anything that my mum had organised. So therefore is it more to do with my relationship with my father? This seems likely. We are pretty close and I bviously love him, but I would definitely say it can also be stressful and he can be very difficult - my mum and brother have the same problems with him now and again so I know that although I find it very difficult to describe exactly how he's difficult, it's not just me. That is very comforting actually. So is this all some oedipus style problem I have with my father? Well, he did cheat on my mother which is what caused the divorce to happen when it did (I don't believe it was the only factor, they weren't happy). But I don't think that the man would cheat on me - I'm far more scared with us of me breaking his heart than vice versa. Not that I don't love him dearly, but knowing how I feel about certian things - like my concerns about marriage and settling down and travelling - I know I'm the one that's not ready. So if my only issue with marriage is the family aspect, then would I be missing out if we did it abroad just the two of us? Would he be missing out? Probably, I think he wants a big church do. I'm not sure I don't find it a bit cheesy having everyone focusing on you. But that's allowed sometimes isn't it? Maybe I'll reconsider a few things if I manage to make it to my cousin's wedding in March (again, another family do I might have to miss cos of my job). I've not been to a proper wedding in years (like with a young couple, first time marriage, in a church, the full works etc etc).

So maybe all I need is a little time. Time to have a bit more of a career, time to get used to the idea a bit more, time to figure out issues, time to go travelling and do what I want to do but also prove to myself that there's no one else out there that's for me. Now I think about it though I do like the idea of doing it abroad, just the two of us. Then coming home and having a massive party. Maybe if we go travelling a bit over next winter?

Right I'm getting too introspective and I need to do some work.

has been thrown in the works. I'm not sure, in fact, I'm not going to start the CD tomorrow. The man's brother is coming to stay for a week and I'm a very private person about certain things and the man's brother is not on the (short) list of people I would confide in regarding my eating problems. I guess I'm shy about them because they reveal a lot about me. That I'm not as in control as I appear to be. It's more than that I think. But regardless, with him arriving tomorrow I will not be starting to not eat food.

But if I really wanted to do this I'd have found a way. I woke up Friday morning, the day after booking my first appointment with the CD person with the thought that I didn't want to give up food. I'd been thinking about it the night before (as you would of course, after making a big decision) and I was just thinking that it'll screw me up more at this point. I think. I'll only be able to do for about a month, and even in the next month there'll be times I cannot possibly stick to it - times when I have to sail and do stuff in the outdoors in preparation for my job in the summer, there's not way it would be safe to do that stuff on 450 calories - I used to have problems with sailing when I was losing weight because my body couldn't cope with the cold on so little food. And then I wasn't doing anything half so extreme as 450 calories, no just a radical 1500-1700 calories a day. So, I was thinking that if I try to do the CD for a month I'll end up kicking myself repeatedly when I can't stick to it. And then in a month I'll have to go back to eating normal food when I move abroad. So by doing the CD all I'll do is monkey around with my system for a month then carry on as before. I'll lose some weight but I'll end up in a worse mental state. I've been feeling ok the last two days. I've not been dieting, not counting points (WW - what I normally do when I want to lose weight) but just trying to eat sensibly. Because I've realised that despite all my careful efforts with losing weight the first time round (the 'big push' when I was 19 when I lost 4 stone) I have ended up as thinking as WW as a 'diet' not a 'lifestyle choice' so when I'm not 'on the diet' I eat crazily, like I did from about August til after Christmas last year. When you see questionaires or wherever when your asked about your 'normal' diet, I would have no idea how to answer that because this cycle of dieting then overeating is my normal at the moment, but obviously its not normal. What I need to do, instead of cutting out food, is to try and get a 'normal' for me. I'm not saying the CD is evil etc etc - I won't rule it out for the future sometime but I think for me right now it's not what I need. I'm going to try and do 'normal'. Eat sensibly but don't cut things out. And go to the gym. My weght seems to alwasy go in a better direction when I exercise - although it might be that I feel better about myself so i think it's going in a better direction - I don't think i care. What I eally want to do is establish some sort of eating pattern that is good and ok, which I don't think I've ever had before. And I enjoy going to the gym, which is an even better reason to go. Yes this feels right (can you tell i've talked myself round?) I started all this because I felt close to unwell, to an eating disorder, so trying to do 'normal' and 'healthy' sounds, well, healthy.

So now I need to go call the CD lady and tell her I'm not coming.

Balls. I just managed to delete this entry. Obviously not this one but the one I was just writing. This one won't be the same at all now. Not that that matters, but I talk myself round into conclusions when I'm writing, that's why I do it most of the time - to figure things out. That's my current mission, as you know. So, the gyst was, I had figured out that I can't do 'deep and meaningful' posts all the time and especially less so when the man is around (as he is now, few days off). But that's cool. Writing yesterday was so helpful, it really focused me, chilled me out and made me feel like I had more purpose than I've had for a long time (since I was last employed). I love living with the man but I definitely need my own space every now and then, but I get that a lot as I'm not employed at the moment so it's a pretty happy balance (except that I don't like being unemployed really). So, anyway.

We've had a pretty cool day, chilled out, went for a walk, watched films and he's cooking now. Bliss. I also have an immense orgasm promised to me later - he was giving me oral sex this morning, I was writhing everywhere and at that very happy moment when you know you're going to cum but it's still a delightful few minutes off and the bloody postman knocked at the door. We were expecting friends round so we leapt out of bed assuming they were early and then the moment was all over. Still, coincidentally the exact same thing happened last night only the roles were reversed. But he came in the end, I'm still yet to today. Humph. Don't think that we only ever get down to it when the post might come, it was at 8pm - do postmen even work that late? Maybe he was new and doing the rounds really slowly. But yes, me and sex. Since I don't think I'm going to manage deep and meaningful I could go on filling in on history. Why not cover a bit of sex? We don't just get down to it when people might walk in - although exhibitionism does kinda turn me on. I had group sex once before (not with the man, long before him) and I wouldn't say no if the opportunity arose again. But then I'm not sure how I'd feel doing it with someone I cared so much for (the man), and I think he's only do it if he thought it was really important to me. It's the sort of thing that makes my commiment phobia start rearing it's ugly head. I used to have a problem with the idea (was never gonna get married, freaked out if guys got too clingy or protective) but the man has really chilled me out, in many ways, this is one of them. But then if I spend the rest of my life with him (which is what he wants, I'm not saying I don't want it but I'm a little unsure of putting it in that exact phrasing) and I'm not keen on seeing him have sex with someone else, i.e. group sex, then unless I cheat on him (not an option) then logic dictates I won't have group sex again. Just like that, written off. But then things are wicked between us. I tend to be backwards about coming forwards with extolling his virtues as I think it sounds like I'm either making it up or boasting as he really is a pretty good specemin of the male species. But I said this was honest. So... He's sweet, he's kind, he's generous, he always calls, texts, says the right thing, makes me laugh, buys me flowers, jewelry, worships my body fat or thin, is excellent in bed, protects me when I need it but stands back when I don't, he understands me, he loves me when I'm grumpy, andry, upset, fiesty, happy, drunk, orgasmic, he wants to commit, he think's I'm the best thing in this world. He's what I want. But I'm just not ready for the next step. I will be one day though.

That ended up being less about sex and more about the man that I have it with. Well, he wasn't my first, not that you'd expect that. I don't think it's statisically likely at 22 in this country. I had a good year when I was 18. Had some really good sex, had quite a few adventures and learnt a lot. I discovered carpet burn after a party. I had two guys in one night but not at the same time. Then there was that 4some. I also had anal sex for the first time (or was I 17? I'm not sure actually). It was the first time I made a guy cry (that I know of) - it wasn't pretty, that was when I realised I wasn't so into commitment. Why would I have been? I was having an amazing time. It was also the first time a guy that I wanted/expected to call the morning after didn't. That's a quite a story. Well, it turned into one. We're really close friends now but the bastard still turns me on just by walking in the room, but at least I know I have the same affect on him. It was with him that I really properly first understood that chemicals control our attraction to people, it was so strong it felt like a magnet. It was most certainly animal. He was also one of the first guys I met who was completely honest, which as you know can be a double edged sword. The last few years have been a bit slower, I've had two long term relationships in the last 3 years, with just a few mini advertures in the short (but sweet) break between them. That alone kinda scares me. But I love the man. It's a funny old contradictory world eh.

Time to for dinner, the man has finished cooking.

PS. Crap I just discovered it autsosaves so my first draft is probably saved.