What Daisy Did Next

It's been a few days but I've been really wanting to write, it feels really good. This week I've been eating fairly heathily, going for 3 meals a day and snacks (like fruit) if I need them. And lots of water. I feel pretty good today, my clothes are fitting well (not too tight) and I feel curvy but attractive. Part of me feels like I'm kidding myself and I should do a VLCD and get my excess weight off (I am about a stone overweight according to the BMI) but it just won't fit in with my life right now. I feel like I've filed it away in my brain for a time when I need it (if I need it) but right now it does feel better for me to be trying eating 'normally' a go. It must sound so daft but it does just feel good. I've not had this feeling before.

Got a bit emotional last night because of family things, I wasn't at home for a big family do, I couldn't be there and I knew it ina dvance, there was nothing I could do etc etc but of course it doesn't mean I don't get upset. Living abroad so much I do miss out on things like this and sometimes you just start to wonder if it's worth it and that's a dangerous thought. You have to not have those thoughts or not feel that way to live so far from those you love I think. A few years ago I was happy to get away, I really wanted and needed to I think. But I've done that now and although I love my job and living in the sun, there are downsides. And also the man is now in the picture and he won't be abroad with me so as we get more serious the less likely it is I'll continue this career unless he joins me.

That's want I wanted to talk a bit more about today. The man. I was thinking about it quite a bit last night. He proposed to me over Christmas. It was kinda a surprise but also not - basically it was something we'd talked about but for me I was thinking about an abstract future - i.e. at some point but not yet - he was thinking immediate future apparently. Damn these misunderstandings eh. So I said 'not yet' and things have been fine - great even - since th proposal. We talk about it occasionally and we had one of these talks over the last few days, and I find it really hard because I know I hurt him because I know it's what he wants and I turned him down basically. And I love him, very much, and you don't want to hurt the people you love. But when I think about marriage (don't forget my own parents got divorced when I was younger), or rather, us getting married in the near future, I get this cold, gripping feelings inside. Terror, I think they call it. I've thought about it a lot, I've talked about it to both my parents, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Like I know my parents aren't together. So that means what? - I'm scared it'll happen to me/I've seen how devestating a divorce is/if my parents can't do it, can I?/they got married a lot later, therefore I'm too young?/Does what my parents did matter at all? Can I stop it mattering?/ Or am I just simply convinced that I'm too young to commit and at some point I'm going to miss being single, going out, getting drunk and getting laid? I think it is a bit of this. As I've said before, despite the whole obesity thing I'm not really ever been single for long periods of time, after I spilt up with my last boyfriend (18 months) I had one summer single and it was heaven. I had a wicked time, Definitely my best summer yet. So maybe I'm idealising a little. But I really want to travel and if he can't come too it's going to make me wonder if I'm missing out on anything. Or even if he came along I might feel like I was missing out. But then the man is amazing, I really could imagine us together in the serious long term so why would I risk it? But am I risking it already by having said no to him? The more I think, I think maybe there are 2 different issues. Marriage and what I want. I want to get married but not yet, I'm not ready. I don't know why, but I just know I'm not. I think maybe it's a bit to do with announcing our relationship to the world, I know when I think about marriage, it's the family gathering aspect that scares me. In terms of him and I as couple, exchanging vows and having kids one day, I can handle that. So maybe the marriage thing is tied into my family issues. Because my parents are divorced, they don't spend a lot of time together and I especially try to minimise time that I spend with them both in the same room. My brother isn't so bothered by it, in fact he is starting to seem like he encourages it. I think he finds them difficult sometimes but he's obviously not bothered by them being in the same place together. Why is it that is bothers me so much? Am I embaressed by them not being together? It can be socially awkward as they're such different people but they're both adults and so manage to be civil, it's not like there are police restraining orders involved. At the school I was at when my parents start separating, I was bullied because of it, because I was different and no one else's parents weren't together. They were probably scared it was contagious. Maybe I am embaressed by it. It's not an aspect I've thought of before. Maybe it's because as the eldest child I feel like I have to protect everybody and that's a lot easier when they're not in the same room. There are often disagreements and problems in my immediate family and I guess I do feel like I have to help out, sort it out or whatever. Maybe the idea of a wedding - with so much family in one room, is too stressful for me to even contemplate. Just before Christmas, there was a really big family do, on my Dad's side, the biggest there had been for over a decade I reckon, and although I only really realised exactly how stressful I found it once I was in the run up to it and directly afterwards when I felt huge relief, it was indescribely stressful. I am so glad the man was there and for how understand he is of me - he realised how stressful it was for me before I did. I mean, I also enjoyed seeing family that I haven't seen for a long time, and they are really cool, funny and nice people. But I do find my mum's family less stressful to be around. I wouldn't have felt like in the run up to anything that my mum had organised. So therefore is it more to do with my relationship with my father? This seems likely. We are pretty close and I bviously love him, but I would definitely say it can also be stressful and he can be very difficult - my mum and brother have the same problems with him now and again so I know that although I find it very difficult to describe exactly how he's difficult, it's not just me. That is very comforting actually. So is this all some oedipus style problem I have with my father? Well, he did cheat on my mother which is what caused the divorce to happen when it did (I don't believe it was the only factor, they weren't happy). But I don't think that the man would cheat on me - I'm far more scared with us of me breaking his heart than vice versa. Not that I don't love him dearly, but knowing how I feel about certian things - like my concerns about marriage and settling down and travelling - I know I'm the one that's not ready. So if my only issue with marriage is the family aspect, then would I be missing out if we did it abroad just the two of us? Would he be missing out? Probably, I think he wants a big church do. I'm not sure I don't find it a bit cheesy having everyone focusing on you. But that's allowed sometimes isn't it? Maybe I'll reconsider a few things if I manage to make it to my cousin's wedding in March (again, another family do I might have to miss cos of my job). I've not been to a proper wedding in years (like with a young couple, first time marriage, in a church, the full works etc etc).

So maybe all I need is a little time. Time to have a bit more of a career, time to get used to the idea a bit more, time to figure out issues, time to go travelling and do what I want to do but also prove to myself that there's no one else out there that's for me. Now I think about it though I do like the idea of doing it abroad, just the two of us. Then coming home and having a massive party. Maybe if we go travelling a bit over next winter?

Right I'm getting too introspective and I need to do some work.

has been thrown in the works. I'm not sure, in fact, I'm not going to start the CD tomorrow. The man's brother is coming to stay for a week and I'm a very private person about certain things and the man's brother is not on the (short) list of people I would confide in regarding my eating problems. I guess I'm shy about them because they reveal a lot about me. That I'm not as in control as I appear to be. It's more than that I think. But regardless, with him arriving tomorrow I will not be starting to not eat food.

But if I really wanted to do this I'd have found a way. I woke up Friday morning, the day after booking my first appointment with the CD person with the thought that I didn't want to give up food. I'd been thinking about it the night before (as you would of course, after making a big decision) and I was just thinking that it'll screw me up more at this point. I think. I'll only be able to do for about a month, and even in the next month there'll be times I cannot possibly stick to it - times when I have to sail and do stuff in the outdoors in preparation for my job in the summer, there's not way it would be safe to do that stuff on 450 calories - I used to have problems with sailing when I was losing weight because my body couldn't cope with the cold on so little food. And then I wasn't doing anything half so extreme as 450 calories, no just a radical 1500-1700 calories a day. So, I was thinking that if I try to do the CD for a month I'll end up kicking myself repeatedly when I can't stick to it. And then in a month I'll have to go back to eating normal food when I move abroad. So by doing the CD all I'll do is monkey around with my system for a month then carry on as before. I'll lose some weight but I'll end up in a worse mental state. I've been feeling ok the last two days. I've not been dieting, not counting points (WW - what I normally do when I want to lose weight) but just trying to eat sensibly. Because I've realised that despite all my careful efforts with losing weight the first time round (the 'big push' when I was 19 when I lost 4 stone) I have ended up as thinking as WW as a 'diet' not a 'lifestyle choice' so when I'm not 'on the diet' I eat crazily, like I did from about August til after Christmas last year. When you see questionaires or wherever when your asked about your 'normal' diet, I would have no idea how to answer that because this cycle of dieting then overeating is my normal at the moment, but obviously its not normal. What I need to do, instead of cutting out food, is to try and get a 'normal' for me. I'm not saying the CD is evil etc etc - I won't rule it out for the future sometime but I think for me right now it's not what I need. I'm going to try and do 'normal'. Eat sensibly but don't cut things out. And go to the gym. My weght seems to alwasy go in a better direction when I exercise - although it might be that I feel better about myself so i think it's going in a better direction - I don't think i care. What I eally want to do is establish some sort of eating pattern that is good and ok, which I don't think I've ever had before. And I enjoy going to the gym, which is an even better reason to go. Yes this feels right (can you tell i've talked myself round?) I started all this because I felt close to unwell, to an eating disorder, so trying to do 'normal' and 'healthy' sounds, well, healthy.

So now I need to go call the CD lady and tell her I'm not coming.

Balls. I just managed to delete this entry. Obviously not this one but the one I was just writing. This one won't be the same at all now. Not that that matters, but I talk myself round into conclusions when I'm writing, that's why I do it most of the time - to figure things out. That's my current mission, as you know. So, the gyst was, I had figured out that I can't do 'deep and meaningful' posts all the time and especially less so when the man is around (as he is now, few days off). But that's cool. Writing yesterday was so helpful, it really focused me, chilled me out and made me feel like I had more purpose than I've had for a long time (since I was last employed). I love living with the man but I definitely need my own space every now and then, but I get that a lot as I'm not employed at the moment so it's a pretty happy balance (except that I don't like being unemployed really). So, anyway.

We've had a pretty cool day, chilled out, went for a walk, watched films and he's cooking now. Bliss. I also have an immense orgasm promised to me later - he was giving me oral sex this morning, I was writhing everywhere and at that very happy moment when you know you're going to cum but it's still a delightful few minutes off and the bloody postman knocked at the door. We were expecting friends round so we leapt out of bed assuming they were early and then the moment was all over. Still, coincidentally the exact same thing happened last night only the roles were reversed. But he came in the end, I'm still yet to today. Humph. Don't think that we only ever get down to it when the post might come, it was at 8pm - do postmen even work that late? Maybe he was new and doing the rounds really slowly. But yes, me and sex. Since I don't think I'm going to manage deep and meaningful I could go on filling in on history. Why not cover a bit of sex? We don't just get down to it when people might walk in - although exhibitionism does kinda turn me on. I had group sex once before (not with the man, long before him) and I wouldn't say no if the opportunity arose again. But then I'm not sure how I'd feel doing it with someone I cared so much for (the man), and I think he's only do it if he thought it was really important to me. It's the sort of thing that makes my commiment phobia start rearing it's ugly head. I used to have a problem with the idea (was never gonna get married, freaked out if guys got too clingy or protective) but the man has really chilled me out, in many ways, this is one of them. But then if I spend the rest of my life with him (which is what he wants, I'm not saying I don't want it but I'm a little unsure of putting it in that exact phrasing) and I'm not keen on seeing him have sex with someone else, i.e. group sex, then unless I cheat on him (not an option) then logic dictates I won't have group sex again. Just like that, written off. But then things are wicked between us. I tend to be backwards about coming forwards with extolling his virtues as I think it sounds like I'm either making it up or boasting as he really is a pretty good specemin of the male species. But I said this was honest. So... He's sweet, he's kind, he's generous, he always calls, texts, says the right thing, makes me laugh, buys me flowers, jewelry, worships my body fat or thin, is excellent in bed, protects me when I need it but stands back when I don't, he understands me, he loves me when I'm grumpy, andry, upset, fiesty, happy, drunk, orgasmic, he wants to commit, he think's I'm the best thing in this world. He's what I want. But I'm just not ready for the next step. I will be one day though.

That ended up being less about sex and more about the man that I have it with. Well, he wasn't my first, not that you'd expect that. I don't think it's statisically likely at 22 in this country. I had a good year when I was 18. Had some really good sex, had quite a few adventures and learnt a lot. I discovered carpet burn after a party. I had two guys in one night but not at the same time. Then there was that 4some. I also had anal sex for the first time (or was I 17? I'm not sure actually). It was the first time I made a guy cry (that I know of) - it wasn't pretty, that was when I realised I wasn't so into commitment. Why would I have been? I was having an amazing time. It was also the first time a guy that I wanted/expected to call the morning after didn't. That's a quite a story. Well, it turned into one. We're really close friends now but the bastard still turns me on just by walking in the room, but at least I know I have the same affect on him. It was with him that I really properly first understood that chemicals control our attraction to people, it was so strong it felt like a magnet. It was most certainly animal. He was also one of the first guys I met who was completely honest, which as you know can be a double edged sword. The last few years have been a bit slower, I've had two long term relationships in the last 3 years, with just a few mini advertures in the short (but sweet) break between them. That alone kinda scares me. But I love the man. It's a funny old contradictory world eh.

Time to for dinner, the man has finished cooking.

PS. Crap I just discovered it autsosaves so my first draft is probably saved.

In some ways I feel like I'm starting this at the beginning of a new chapter in my life, in some ways I feel like you're joining me half way through. I'm not quite sure what I'm half way through yet though.

I'm going to explain why I'm addressing you presonally. It seems a little presumtious to assume that anyone will actually choose to read my blog over the billions that must be available out there. I think that's why I've never done this before - because really, I'm the kind of person that blogging was probably invented for. Prone to introspection, nothing makes me feel better than writing it down. I kept a diary from about the age of 9 til I was 18 and went to uni and spent too much time with boys, or to be specific, boy, to keep a diary. When I say I kept a diary I wrote it every day. Literally never missed one. A little anal I suppose but it didn't feel a chore, it calmed me and made me feel better. And in those diaries (thousands upon thouasands of pages, I still have them all in a box, I will read them one day i suppose) I always used to write as if I was talking to myself out loud, or to someone else. So that is why you get addressed. Even though the very fact that I think there's probably enough of these overly introspective cyber diaries to last us til something very very far away happens - probably the end of the internet - I have realised that I want to do this for my own sake, like writing a diary (no one has ever read my diaries) and therefore you don't really matter (no offense). But I'm still going to address you. Hypocritical? Paradoxical? I don't care - you're not reading this anyway.

Right, well, now we've got the formalities over with (I was an English student, I had to establish my grammatical format first, don't worry you'll come to understand me in time) I had better start 'proper'.

Why 'What Daisy Did Next'? Well as I've just said I was (and will therefore always will be) an Enlgish student. When I was little the 'What Katy Did' series was amoung my favourites and certainly from my favourite genre. So that's one level (English students always count levels). I also feel like I'm at a crossroad in life. A very big crossroad. It's exciting in some ways because there are many possibilities open to me (or many roads leading off it, to continue the metaphor). I had an excellent education, I come from a reasonabily privileged middle-class background and if I'm honest (and I plan to be excruiatingly honest here because I'm treating it like a diary and I think thats the only way that it will help me), I'm lucky because I'm intelligent (IQ about 150), socially adept, reasonably athletic, thoughtful and a good friend (I consider this one of my best qualities). So I've had a pretty damn good start in life. And things have gone pretty well. Lots of shiny academic qualifications, and some sporting ones too. So where are the quirks? Where are the bits that make this interesting, a real story? (because all real stories are interesting) Well, lets start with the biggies - my parents divorced when I was about 10 and up until the age of about 19 and a half I was obese. The former is where my real pain is. It's sounds to flip to me - my parents are divorced - and it is in some ways, it's a fact, it's simple, it's true and it happened a long time ago and most of the time I don't think about it and it doesn't bother me. But then something comes along (usually Christmas, that always sets me off and it comes around pretty regularly too) and I realise that it's not simple, it's not flip and I can still end up crying about it. And I mean properly crying - not a tear or two dripping down my face which all you normally get out of me, I mean proper internal agony when you can't physically stop crying, it hurts and you shake all over and your shoulders heave. I normally fall asleep after those, they're so exhausting. It's just been Christmas which is why I can remember how that feels so clearly, by August I'll have forgotten that my parent's divorce bothers me so much and my feelings at Christmas will take me by surprise all over again. Is is just me that forgets things like that? Mothers forget the pain of labour I guess. Anyway. I only had one episode like that this year, unfortunately or fortunately (I'm not sure which) it happened around New Year in a hotel room with my boyfriend. It was unfortunate it happened at all but then it does every year; I'm glad that he saw it. He's seen me having bad moments before but he couldn't fully understand part of me til he saw one of those, I now realise. Well unlucky, he's in the club now.

And for the second thing? The obesity thing. The big issue, haha. There's a good chance it's linked very much to the first thing (I was always a big child but honestly the real poundage and unhealthy eating habits only started after the divorce). So I was fat. I bet you want to know how fat. I would. I'm 5ft 6 and a half (the half matters to me) and from about 15 my weight was stable at about 14 stone. So, obese. But thing was I am apparently a master at denial. A real genius. I was so good I could have taught it except I was that good I didn't have any idea I was such a prodigy. I was confident, outgoing, reasonably popular - especially in sixth form - and I had more boyfriends than any of my thin, normal sized friends. How? Body confidence I imagine. Confidence in who I was. I projected such an exceptionally good image of loving being me that others loved me. I still don't know how much of that was real, or whether I actually don't like myself now. I think I do, I've just got wrapped up in body issues. I'm hoping that's one of the things I'll find out through writing this. So then, where are things now? Well I told you I was obese until I was 19 and a half. Around this time I started on Weight Watchers Online (why is a different story that I will definitely come to one day). I was desperate and again, I was at a crossroad. If I hadn't discovered Weight Watchers (WW) I would have gone to a very dark place. You see, my lovely 14 stone frame had been stable at this (admitedly heavy) weight for a good 4 or 5 years, or as stable as you tell without ever really weighing yourself. But when I was 18 and a half I went off to University as good intelligent middle-class girls from grammar schools do, and despite eating like a hefer at school, I started gaining weight. From looking like a large, overweight human being I was starting to disappear into my fat and look like a blimp, a large round blip. I was starting eat myself out of existance. I'm sure you know what I mean, there is a level on he fat scale when people start to not really look like people. I was starting on that. But I joined WW, I lost weight, it was hard, it was easy, I had no choice. And that was meant to be the end of the story. But then several things happened over the course of 2006. Not massive things, really (my best friend's brother was killed several years ago at Christmas. Bad things, for me, are now always in perspective with this). But things non the less that I only really see now, looking back at them, helped me start to put weight back on. By the way, I got down to 10st 4. That was my official lowest weight, and I was hot. Although I couldn't really see it at the time. But I'm not going to get started to on those massive issues now. I got thin in time for 2005 and in 2006 I put 2 stone back on and a few things happened that made me feel like I wasn't in control so much anymore, like the glittering golden girl that I was (inside) when I was younger, with all my potential, might not be doing as well as she had assumed.

In fact that's my story up until now in a nutshell. Happy childhood goes well apart from parent's divorce. She is gifted and pretty, a perfect combination only marred by her obesity. Goes to University, loses weight. The only blip on her horizons is cleared (apart from the divorce thing but that's below the surface anyway). She should now live happily every after. Only she hasn't. Perhaps that nasty issue under the surface couldn't be pushed down, perhaps she never really got rid of her eating problems, perhaps perhaps perhaps. And so now we are here, at this crossroads.

I stopped to think after writing all of that. It just came flooding out. Afterwards I wasn't sure what to say next, what to start on, which direction to go. Bit like my life eh? I still feel like I need to explain a little more. Firstly, in terms of direction, most of this year I'm busy. If you invited me out for lunch in July I could tell you exactly where I'd be, any day of any week. So when I say I lack direction I guess I must mean long term direction. Although until my job starts in March I am technically unemployed and have been since November so I have been directionless for several months which I've not enjoyed (I'm a workaholic generally). And what is this mystery job? I teach sailing and run sailing centres abroad, so at the moment I work seasonally hence the unemployed-since-November bit. Not that there aren't seasonal winter job available, but this winter was special. And yes it was because of a man. The man. My boyfriend, the one I mentioned earlier. I don't like the phrase boyfriend, it sounds too flimsy, too lame and pathetic for the relationship I have with my partner. But at only 22, 'partner' sounds a little grand, so I might just stick to 'man'. I don't feel like going into more about him yet, but the headline news is that we've been together about 18 months, I love him very much and we have fantastic sex (most of the time).

Other headline news before I sign off? (I can feel I'm approaching the end of this session, it has been very cathartic though). Well, as I have said, I'm now about 12st 7, 2 stone on the weight I was happy with even though I didn't know it at the time, I bloody know it now. I am very good, by the way, at giving myself a mental kicking. Mentally making myself feel awful for putting the weight I tried so hard to lose, back on. But anyway. It has happened and I am trying to be more positive and proactive, hence this, and also I am starting a diet on Monday. Now I never considered WW a diet - it was a re-education in healthy eating, or just an education in my case, and I believe this. For other reasons I don't feel it is right for me now, so Monday I have an appointment to start the Cambridge Diet (CD) having heard about it through blogs. It is a meal-replacement diet, a very low calorie diet (VLCD) and it works very fast. I have about a month or so til I start my job and I have decided drastic action is needed to ensure I am not this heavy when that time comes. And it is definitely drastic. But I have not been happy recently and I have been feeling tinges of depression and have decided that a) I do have an eating disorder but it one of those binge-eating ones that is less well known and are banded together under the umbrella term of 'binge eating disorders' (BED). I know I do not have 'classic' BED as I do not fit the exact symptoms but I have no doubt that I do have a form of a disorder. I'll share the gory details another time. And b) (sorry I nearly forgot b) I have decided that whilst my eating problems are not on the scale of anorexia or bulimia by any means, if I don't change something, or start getting help then I'm going to get into a lot of trouble. So I decided to start counsilling. Only thats easier said than done when you live abroad for 70% for the year. So for now I've decided it's something I will do one day and in the mean time I am going to blog, try the radical diet and have a go at rethinking me.

So, Monday is the big day. I'll spend some time over the weekend feeling nervous and back-blogging (is that a phrase?) to start to think more about a few things and also bring you up to speed. The delightful thing is of course that they are both one and the same thing.

Isn't writing things down great?