Balls. I just managed to delete this entry. Obviously not this one but the one I was just writing. This one won't be the same at all now. Not that that matters, but I talk myself round into conclusions when I'm writing, that's why I do it most of the time - to figure things out. That's my current mission, as you know. So, the gyst was, I had figured out that I can't do 'deep and meaningful' posts all the time and especially less so when the man is around (as he is now, few days off). But that's cool. Writing yesterday was so helpful, it really focused me, chilled me out and made me feel like I had more purpose than I've had for a long time (since I was last employed). I love living with the man but I definitely need my own space every now and then, but I get that a lot as I'm not employed at the moment so it's a pretty happy balance (except that I don't like being unemployed really). So, anyway.
We've had a pretty cool day, chilled out, went for a walk, watched films and he's cooking now. Bliss. I also have an immense orgasm promised to me later - he was giving me oral sex this morning, I was writhing everywhere and at that very happy moment when you know you're going to cum but it's still a delightful few minutes off and the bloody postman knocked at the door. We were expecting friends round so we leapt out of bed assuming they were early and then the moment was all over. Still, coincidentally the exact same thing happened last night only the roles were reversed. But he came in the end, I'm still yet to today. Humph. Don't think that we only ever get down to it when the post might come, it was at 8pm - do postmen even work that late? Maybe he was new and doing the rounds really slowly. But yes, me and sex. Since I don't think I'm going to manage deep and meaningful I could go on filling in on history. Why not cover a bit of sex? We don't just get down to it when people might walk in - although exhibitionism does kinda turn me on. I had group sex once before (not with the man, long before him) and I wouldn't say no if the opportunity arose again. But then I'm not sure how I'd feel doing it with someone I cared so much for (the man), and I think he's only do it if he thought it was really important to me. It's the sort of thing that makes my commiment phobia start rearing it's ugly head. I used to have a problem with the idea (was never gonna get married, freaked out if guys got too clingy or protective) but the man has really chilled me out, in many ways, this is one of them. But then if I spend the rest of my life with him (which is what he wants, I'm not saying I don't want it but I'm a little unsure of putting it in that exact phrasing) and I'm not keen on seeing him have sex with someone else, i.e. group sex, then unless I cheat on him (not an option) then logic dictates I won't have group sex again. Just like that, written off. But then things are wicked between us. I tend to be backwards about coming forwards with extolling his virtues as I think it sounds like I'm either making it up or boasting as he really is a pretty good specemin of the male species. But I said this was honest. So... He's sweet, he's kind, he's generous, he always calls, texts, says the right thing, makes me laugh, buys me flowers, jewelry, worships my body fat or thin, is excellent in bed, protects me when I need it but stands back when I don't, he understands me, he loves me when I'm grumpy, andry, upset, fiesty, happy, drunk, orgasmic, he wants to commit, he think's I'm the best thing in this world. He's what I want. But I'm just not ready for the next step. I will be one day though.
That ended up being less about sex and more about the man that I have it with. Well, he wasn't my first, not that you'd expect that. I don't think it's statisically likely at 22 in this country. I had a good year when I was 18. Had some really good sex, had quite a few adventures and learnt a lot. I discovered carpet burn after a party. I had two guys in one night but not at the same time. Then there was that 4some. I also had anal sex for the first time (or was I 17? I'm not sure actually). It was the first time I made a guy cry (that I know of) - it wasn't pretty, that was when I realised I wasn't so into commitment. Why would I have been? I was having an amazing time. It was also the first time a guy that I wanted/expected to call the morning after didn't. That's a quite a story. Well, it turned into one. We're really close friends now but the bastard still turns me on just by walking in the room, but at least I know I have the same affect on him. It was with him that I really properly first understood that chemicals control our attraction to people, it was so strong it felt like a magnet. It was most certainly animal. He was also one of the first guys I met who was completely honest, which as you know can be a double edged sword. The last few years have been a bit slower, I've had two long term relationships in the last 3 years, with just a few mini advertures in the short (but sweet) break between them. That alone kinda scares me. But I love the man. It's a funny old contradictory world eh.
Time to for dinner, the man has finished cooking.
PS. Crap I just discovered it autsosaves so my first draft is probably saved.
