has been thrown in the works. I'm not sure, in fact, I'm not going to start the CD tomorrow. The man's brother is coming to stay for a week and I'm a very private person about certain things and the man's brother is not on the (short) list of people I would confide in regarding my eating problems. I guess I'm shy about them because they reveal a lot about me. That I'm not as in control as I appear to be. It's more than that I think. But regardless, with him arriving tomorrow I will not be starting to not eat food.

But if I really wanted to do this I'd have found a way. I woke up Friday morning, the day after booking my first appointment with the CD person with the thought that I didn't want to give up food. I'd been thinking about it the night before (as you would of course, after making a big decision) and I was just thinking that it'll screw me up more at this point. I think. I'll only be able to do for about a month, and even in the next month there'll be times I cannot possibly stick to it - times when I have to sail and do stuff in the outdoors in preparation for my job in the summer, there's not way it would be safe to do that stuff on 450 calories - I used to have problems with sailing when I was losing weight because my body couldn't cope with the cold on so little food. And then I wasn't doing anything half so extreme as 450 calories, no just a radical 1500-1700 calories a day. So, I was thinking that if I try to do the CD for a month I'll end up kicking myself repeatedly when I can't stick to it. And then in a month I'll have to go back to eating normal food when I move abroad. So by doing the CD all I'll do is monkey around with my system for a month then carry on as before. I'll lose some weight but I'll end up in a worse mental state. I've been feeling ok the last two days. I've not been dieting, not counting points (WW - what I normally do when I want to lose weight) but just trying to eat sensibly. Because I've realised that despite all my careful efforts with losing weight the first time round (the 'big push' when I was 19 when I lost 4 stone) I have ended up as thinking as WW as a 'diet' not a 'lifestyle choice' so when I'm not 'on the diet' I eat crazily, like I did from about August til after Christmas last year. When you see questionaires or wherever when your asked about your 'normal' diet, I would have no idea how to answer that because this cycle of dieting then overeating is my normal at the moment, but obviously its not normal. What I need to do, instead of cutting out food, is to try and get a 'normal' for me. I'm not saying the CD is evil etc etc - I won't rule it out for the future sometime but I think for me right now it's not what I need. I'm going to try and do 'normal'. Eat sensibly but don't cut things out. And go to the gym. My weght seems to alwasy go in a better direction when I exercise - although it might be that I feel better about myself so i think it's going in a better direction - I don't think i care. What I eally want to do is establish some sort of eating pattern that is good and ok, which I don't think I've ever had before. And I enjoy going to the gym, which is an even better reason to go. Yes this feels right (can you tell i've talked myself round?) I started all this because I felt close to unwell, to an eating disorder, so trying to do 'normal' and 'healthy' sounds, well, healthy.

So now I need to go call the CD lady and tell her I'm not coming.