It's been a few days but I've been really wanting to write, it feels really good. This week I've been eating fairly heathily, going for 3 meals a day and snacks (like fruit) if I need them. And lots of water. I feel pretty good today, my clothes are fitting well (not too tight) and I feel curvy but attractive. Part of me feels like I'm kidding myself and I should do a VLCD and get my excess weight off (I am about a stone overweight according to the BMI) but it just won't fit in with my life right now. I feel like I've filed it away in my brain for a time when I need it (if I need it) but right now it does feel better for me to be trying eating 'normally' a go. It must sound so daft but it does just feel good. I've not had this feeling before.
Got a bit emotional last night because of family things, I wasn't at home for a big family do, I couldn't be there and I knew it ina dvance, there was nothing I could do etc etc but of course it doesn't mean I don't get upset. Living abroad so much I do miss out on things like this and sometimes you just start to wonder if it's worth it and that's a dangerous thought. You have to not have those thoughts or not feel that way to live so far from those you love I think. A few years ago I was happy to get away, I really wanted and needed to I think. But I've done that now and although I love my job and living in the sun, there are downsides. And also the man is now in the picture and he won't be abroad with me so as we get more serious the less likely it is I'll continue this career unless he joins me.
That's want I wanted to talk a bit more about today. The man. I was thinking about it quite a bit last night. He proposed to me over Christmas. It was kinda a surprise but also not - basically it was something we'd talked about but for me I was thinking about an abstract future - i.e. at some point but not yet - he was thinking immediate future apparently. Damn these misunderstandings eh. So I said 'not yet' and things have been fine - great even - since th proposal. We talk about it occasionally and we had one of these talks over the last few days, and I find it really hard because I know I hurt him because I know it's what he wants and I turned him down basically. And I love him, very much, and you don't want to hurt the people you love. But when I think about marriage (don't forget my own parents got divorced when I was younger), or rather, us getting married in the near future, I get this cold, gripping feelings inside. Terror, I think they call it. I've thought about it a lot, I've talked about it to both my parents, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Like I know my parents aren't together. So that means what? - I'm scared it'll happen to me/I've seen how devestating a divorce is/if my parents can't do it, can I?/they got married a lot later, therefore I'm too young?/Does what my parents did matter at all? Can I stop it mattering?/ Or am I just simply convinced that I'm too young to commit and at some point I'm going to miss being single, going out, getting drunk and getting laid? I think it is a bit of this. As I've said before, despite the whole obesity thing I'm not really ever been single for long periods of time, after I spilt up with my last boyfriend (18 months) I had one summer single and it was heaven. I had a wicked time, Definitely my best summer yet. So maybe I'm idealising a little. But I really want to travel and if he can't come too it's going to make me wonder if I'm missing out on anything. Or even if he came along I might feel like I was missing out. But then the man is amazing, I really could imagine us together in the serious long term so why would I risk it? But am I risking it already by having said no to him? The more I think, I think maybe there are 2 different issues. Marriage and what I want. I want to get married but not yet, I'm not ready. I don't know why, but I just know I'm not. I think maybe it's a bit to do with announcing our relationship to the world, I know when I think about marriage, it's the family gathering aspect that scares me. In terms of him and I as couple, exchanging vows and having kids one day, I can handle that. So maybe the marriage thing is tied into my family issues. Because my parents are divorced, they don't spend a lot of time together and I especially try to minimise time that I spend with them both in the same room. My brother isn't so bothered by it, in fact he is starting to seem like he encourages it. I think he finds them difficult sometimes but he's obviously not bothered by them being in the same place together. Why is it that is bothers me so much? Am I embaressed by them not being together? It can be socially awkward as they're such different people but they're both adults and so manage to be civil, it's not like there are police restraining orders involved. At the school I was at when my parents start separating, I was bullied because of it, because I was different and no one else's parents weren't together. They were probably scared it was contagious. Maybe I am embaressed by it. It's not an aspect I've thought of before. Maybe it's because as the eldest child I feel like I have to protect everybody and that's a lot easier when they're not in the same room. There are often disagreements and problems in my immediate family and I guess I do feel like I have to help out, sort it out or whatever. Maybe the idea of a wedding - with so much family in one room, is too stressful for me to even contemplate. Just before Christmas, there was a really big family do, on my Dad's side, the biggest there had been for over a decade I reckon, and although I only really realised exactly how stressful I found it once I was in the run up to it and directly afterwards when I felt huge relief, it was indescribely stressful. I am so glad the man was there and for how understand he is of me - he realised how stressful it was for me before I did. I mean, I also enjoyed seeing family that I haven't seen for a long time, and they are really cool, funny and nice people. But I do find my mum's family less stressful to be around. I wouldn't have felt like in the run up to anything that my mum had organised. So therefore is it more to do with my relationship with my father? This seems likely. We are pretty close and I bviously love him, but I would definitely say it can also be stressful and he can be very difficult - my mum and brother have the same problems with him now and again so I know that although I find it very difficult to describe exactly how he's difficult, it's not just me. That is very comforting actually. So is this all some oedipus style problem I have with my father? Well, he did cheat on my mother which is what caused the divorce to happen when it did (I don't believe it was the only factor, they weren't happy). But I don't think that the man would cheat on me - I'm far more scared with us of me breaking his heart than vice versa. Not that I don't love him dearly, but knowing how I feel about certian things - like my concerns about marriage and settling down and travelling - I know I'm the one that's not ready. So if my only issue with marriage is the family aspect, then would I be missing out if we did it abroad just the two of us? Would he be missing out? Probably, I think he wants a big church do. I'm not sure I don't find it a bit cheesy having everyone focusing on you. But that's allowed sometimes isn't it? Maybe I'll reconsider a few things if I manage to make it to my cousin's wedding in March (again, another family do I might have to miss cos of my job). I've not been to a proper wedding in years (like with a young couple, first time marriage, in a church, the full works etc etc).
So maybe all I need is a little time. Time to have a bit more of a career, time to get used to the idea a bit more, time to figure out issues, time to go travelling and do what I want to do but also prove to myself that there's no one else out there that's for me. Now I think about it though I do like the idea of doing it abroad, just the two of us. Then coming home and having a massive party. Maybe if we go travelling a bit over next winter?
Right I'm getting too introspective and I need to do some work.
