What Daisy Did Next

Well I have a week to go here in heaven. And it is heaven in many ways - for the past 3 months I've been living with the man, unemployed (this wasn't a good thing to start off with but now i see that i needed the break and time out) so doing whatever i fancy (as long as it doens't cost too much!) and generally chilling out and thinking a lot. I've had a lot to think about. I feel more at peace with my family situation and the idea of marriage and I feel a stronger person for it. I'm also more head over heels in love with the man than ever and am very happy. Although like I said, heaven ends in a week. The rent ends on the perfect little cottage we've been renting in the countryside, and I need to head back to my parents place to get my stuff sorted out for heading abroad for the rest of the year in exactly 2 weeks time. And there's a family wedding - which i'm not freaking out about! I know, check me out.

And then there's the tiny issue of my weight (this seems to be a bit of a summary post of everything I've achieved in the last 3 months so I may as well cover everything) - well not exactly tiny haha. I'm not at my biggest, I'm by no means at my smallest, in actual fact I'm pretty much where I was 3 months ago, which does mean I've 'kept' my lovely christmas stuffing BUT I feel better about my body than I have done for ages, but funnily enough I feel better naked generally than clothed. Probably partly cos a lot of my clothes are a little tight. But I hope that with some attention over the summer I can lose about a stone and be about a more normal weight again. It doesn't seem quite such an issue now though, which considering I have an extremely troubled relationship with food, is definitely a good thing. I have most definitely come to realise that I want to get back to a healthy weight (about a stone off as I said) BUT I am the kind of person who would rather enjoy their curves, their body, their food and their life rather than counting calories or watching what I ate constantly. Does posh spice ever smile? Well exactly I think I've made my point.

So continuing the summary post bit, this crossroads. I feel like I've made a few decisions. I'm going to list them because they're important to me and lists look important:

1) I don't want to be unemployed again for a long period (like months) unless unavoidable and I won't do it in the middle of nowhere again either.

2) I need to travel, it's far more than a want. I don't want to put it off much longer either.

3) One day I want to have a house with the man and have a few kittens. This may sound simple and obvious but for the two of us who are lucky to be in the same country for 3 months a year it would again be heaven. The kittens are important too.

4) At the moment the first 3 are more important to me than establishing some kick ass city career which I may or may not go for one day but I still kinda maybe feel that I should do just for the experience sometime. And money.

That's as far as I've gotten, but I feel like I have a little more shape to my life now and a few priorities a bit more sorted for the coming year or so.

Yay!

Urg, Channel 4 is really pissing me off. I am a massive DH fan, I missed it last night cos I only had 3 hours sleep the night before and I was knackered so had an early night and actually slept well and right through the night for the first time in ages. C4 has this '4 on demand' service where you can buy episodes, like the one i missed, really cheaply, just to watch a few time. Wicked, no probs, that's what I thought I'd do. Oh no, not so apparently. I bought and paid for the episode and then wham! It disappears from my download section into god know where so now one very grumpy email to 4oD and a sulk later and I haven't got DH to watch in bed this morning. And the man's gone to work so I can't even have sex instead. Might throw all my toys out the pram.

I'm on the up at the moment. Hence the less writing I guess. And I've been busy - wow, yes, little old unemployed me has been busy! It's been good actually. I've been to the gym, I'm eating well and I feel pretty good about myself right now. I'm very excited because I'm planning on going travelling next winter and starting to properly think about that is pretty cool. It looks like I'll be doing India solo though, which is cool and scary at the same time. I think I'll have an amazing time but I reckon I'll get lonely too and it does scare me a little the idea of being a little girl all by myself - like I'm asking for trouble in a way. But plenty of people do it and I won't take any stupid risks cos I'm not stoopid (although of course things can happen to the not stupid but then we can all be run over by a bus tomorrow). So, yes, I'm very excited.

What a boring post! Happy people are boring aren't they. I've been thinking all week really interesting, deep thoughts (ha well you'll never know if they were or not will you!) about the size 0 debate thing after seeing the Louise Redknapp program, but I feel like I've reached a new level of thinking and for once I'm happy about my body in those thoughts and I don't want to disturb them yet but thinking about them too much.

I start work in a few weeks! The man and I had the first 'we've not got much longer in the same place together' talk last night. Not nice. I will miss him desperately but I also can't wait to start work.

I couldn't get to sleep last night, also had problems sleeping the night before. I've been researching a few things that really interest me recently, last night it was cat breeds. I adore cats and as soon as me and the man are living in a house of our own and life is a bit more stable then i'll be getting kittens instantly. I'm not sure whether one or two yet. Anyway, it had never occured to me to get a particular breed or whatever, but I was looking into it last night on the web and it's a pretty fascinating world (if you're into cats anyway). I think I'd like a Somali or a Pixie-Bob, based on personality characteristics and looks and their needs. It makes me really excited thinking about it. which brings me onto the the other thing I've been thinking recently (like in the last 24 hours), which might not sound particularly earth-shattering but in terms of why I started this blog (to figure out what direction I wanted my life to go in next) I guess it means something. Anyway, I've been thinking that just having a little house of our own (me and the man), a bit of stability (i.e. being together all the time, me not jetting off places all the time), getting some kittens/kitten (not decided yet), and me having a more regular job than I do at present but one that I enjoy, and just seeing family and friends and enjoying life, would be pretty sweet. Like I said, nothing monumental but for where I am at the moment (living all ovr the globe, commitment phobic and unsure about what career I want in the long term) it feels like a nice, stable but exciting aim. So that's cool. I've also been feeling more stable about the idea of getting married. Or at least getting engaged and going from there. So watch this space, it could happen.

It nearly did today actually. It nearly popped out. But we had a bit of a fight earlier which is extremely rare for us so that kinda made me back off in case it seemed like I was saying that to patch up the fight. Even though it wasn't massive. But marriage is and I didn't want the two to clash.

Kerala. India. I've had a trip all planned out in my, and researhced, for a few years now, but just haven't gotten around to it but I think this year might be the year. That was making me pretty excited last night too. No wonder I oouldn't sleep. Even though the oral sex was amazing. But, yeah, so my big trip should hopefully happen in November/December this year. I'm not sure who I want to ask along - I have 2 girlfriends in mind so I'll chat to one of them when I see them this weekend. I think 3 would be afunny number though. Hopefully the man'll join me for a week or two depending on his work commitments. I want to do my christmas shopping out there.

Read a really scary fact on the net the other day that's been bothering me. It would only take an extra 80 calories every day for 5 years to put on 3 stone. That's a biscuit. Or maybe 4 buscuits twice a week, that's hardly a blow out is it? And yet over an extended period of time it really adds up. I find it terrifying that it is that easy to put weight on, for me it really puts it in perspective how modern food and living - even without an eating disorder - make staying a heathly weight a real challenge. The current obeseity epidemic is really no surprise if you look at this kind of figure, or even just the nutritional values in the average sandwich you might pick up for lunch for town - you don't even need biscuits to add an extra 80 calories to your daily intake.

I also read recently that a 20 year old male had died of malnutrition after refusing to eat anything but white bread, chips and occasionally baked beans. Sign of an era I think.

The counsillor still hasn't rang me back and I did a food shop today so I will have food rotting if I go on the CD before the weekend. Ho hum. Feeling upbeat though, it was a gorgeous sunny day today which always makes me feel positive (who doesn't love the sun?), and I bought the entire shop out of fruit (well, almost), so I'll be eating well this week if not just 420 calories a day (the CD). I made the most delicious (and healthy) pasta bolognaise for dinner tonight for me and man, I am a good girlfriend (see my halo!). I do love cooking.

On a different note I'm not sure about the season's fashions (I love clothes and clothes shopping though I wouldn't say I follow trends religiously, it's impossible for a start when you live about 3000 miles from decent shops for so much of the year). I loved looking through magasines today at the Oscar dresses. I'm so lucky that the man supports and understands my love of clothes - men should understand that a woman who loves clothes is a woman who loves to make herself look gorgeous - everyone's a winner.

Apparently I've been such a good girl today I'm getting oral sex to send me off to sleep tonight - it is such a reliable method of making me go to sleep that the man has to be careful of doing it at any other time of day or my sleep pattern gets all confused!

I'm looking forward to the size zero programme on tv tomorrow night, I think it should be interesting.

I had it all planned out. I had found my decisive action, I was going to start the cambridge diet today. But then I couldn't get hold of my counsillor. So yes, I perhaps should have planned in advance. Maybe. So I'll start tomorrow. I know I've been umming and aahing about it for ages but basically I've got to do something, and although I'm going to have to do a bit off-road style, I've decided it's better than doing nothing. The off-road bit basically means I'm not goig to be able to stick to it 110% as I know i've got things coming up where I wouldn't want to have to miss out on the social bit of eating/drinking with friends. I live abroad so much of the year that it's really important to me to spend time with friends when I am in the UK and it's unrealistic to expect those situations to not involve food etc, and as you know, I'm not one for sharing this kind of information (I doubt I'll tell anyone except the man tht i'm on it), so off-road it is. But on the days (like today) when it would (have!) been possible to stick to that kind of rigid diet then great. So that's the plan. When the counsillor calls me back. So that's kinda exciting.

On a random note I woke up today and felt really good about my body. I think it's partly cos of this plan, so I feel good in anticipation of doing somehting positive for my weight. But if I could wake up every day and feel really good about my body, whatever my weight, then I would be happy. It's the fact that I feel so shit about it some days that makes me want to do something. That and the fact my ass looks like cottage cheese at the moment - seriously. And I've always been pretty fond of my ass, generally I'd say it was definitely an asset (haha, no pun intended). Normally my stomach is my really bad point. When I was at my lowest weight it was loads better but it wasn't still what I wanted but I could have lived with it. Right now my arms have started looking really bad, losing tone from not exercising so much and having put on weight, not a good combo, but again I used to love my arms, so I guess this is all part of my motivation - I want to feel like I have bits to be proud of!

On a totally different note, I'm getting pretty excited about my job (I start in about a month!), I spoke to my manager to be today and I am loking forward to this year. I've also had a few ideas about what I want to do next winter (I won't be spending it sitting on a sofa in devon again as much as I love the man!), mainly travelling I think, if I can afford it. I'm not looking forward to being away from the man though. We spent over half of 2006 apart I reckon, and this year it will probably be more, although at the moment we've been living together since the start of 2007 so for the first time in nearly a year we've not been missing each other. It's the first time we've lived together. As you know, marriage is on the cards, but my attitude and feelings about that keep swinging round as well. Until I'm 110% certain and ready (I'm more certain than I am ready but if I'm not ready does mean I'm less certain than I think?) I figure it's best to shelve the marriage thing.

Eugh I tried to drink a slim fast for breakfast this morning (we have no food in the house at the moment) and it keeps repeating on me. It was gross. I only made it through about a 1/5 of it.

On the marriage front, one thought that has been convincing me recently is that, when you think about it, life is really fleeting. I'm not famous, and although I have potential, I've not done anything so far that will have me remembered by those other than my friends and family. I sometimes think about all the lives that have happened before now, the stories we'll never hear about, the young maids in big victorian houses and the countless men who died in the world wars (for example). All of them had issues, had loves and hates and feelings and where are those feelings now? Surely life only means something if you have those you love with you and you pass on that love, maybe to children. What I'm trying to get at, is that my reservations about marriage are incredibly trivial in the grand scheme of things, whereas being with the man and our love isn't.

Eloping does seem a lot easier. But would it be a cop out and would we lose out in the long run? Would we wish we'd made more of a celebration out of it? As previously discussed, the idea of having all my family and friends and loved ones around me does sound lovely but it also terrifies me at the same time.

Oh fuck it, I've made enough big decisions for one day. Now when's this counsillor going to call me back?

I've been away for a few days. It feels good to be back writing. My body image has been pretty bad recently, I'm going to be starting my job about 10 pounds heavier than I ended the last one which i'm not very pleased with. I think where I am at the moment I'm eating out of boredom a little, living to eat rather than the other way round. I'm not sure what I can do to change my position so its not the case. I feel a bit helpless but I also know that's a bit pathetic and you can always effect your own environment. So what is it that's currently stopping me from pulling my finger out? I'm not sure. But that's what I want to think about for the time being. I could start the CD and do it for a few weeks. It would be tricky, I've got a few things coming up. Or I could exercise more. I should really do something.