I had it all planned out. I had found my decisive action, I was going to start the cambridge diet today. But then I couldn't get hold of my counsillor. So yes, I perhaps should have planned in advance. Maybe. So I'll start tomorrow. I know I've been umming and aahing about it for ages but basically I've got to do something, and although I'm going to have to do a bit off-road style, I've decided it's better than doing nothing. The off-road bit basically means I'm not goig to be able to stick to it 110% as I know i've got things coming up where I wouldn't want to have to miss out on the social bit of eating/drinking with friends. I live abroad so much of the year that it's really important to me to spend time with friends when I am in the UK and it's unrealistic to expect those situations to not involve food etc, and as you know, I'm not one for sharing this kind of information (I doubt I'll tell anyone except the man tht i'm on it), so off-road it is. But on the days (like today) when it would (have!) been possible to stick to that kind of rigid diet then great. So that's the plan. When the counsillor calls me back. So that's kinda exciting.

On a random note I woke up today and felt really good about my body. I think it's partly cos of this plan, so I feel good in anticipation of doing somehting positive for my weight. But if I could wake up every day and feel really good about my body, whatever my weight, then I would be happy. It's the fact that I feel so shit about it some days that makes me want to do something. That and the fact my ass looks like cottage cheese at the moment - seriously. And I've always been pretty fond of my ass, generally I'd say it was definitely an asset (haha, no pun intended). Normally my stomach is my really bad point. When I was at my lowest weight it was loads better but it wasn't still what I wanted but I could have lived with it. Right now my arms have started looking really bad, losing tone from not exercising so much and having put on weight, not a good combo, but again I used to love my arms, so I guess this is all part of my motivation - I want to feel like I have bits to be proud of!

On a totally different note, I'm getting pretty excited about my job (I start in about a month!), I spoke to my manager to be today and I am loking forward to this year. I've also had a few ideas about what I want to do next winter (I won't be spending it sitting on a sofa in devon again as much as I love the man!), mainly travelling I think, if I can afford it. I'm not looking forward to being away from the man though. We spent over half of 2006 apart I reckon, and this year it will probably be more, although at the moment we've been living together since the start of 2007 so for the first time in nearly a year we've not been missing each other. It's the first time we've lived together. As you know, marriage is on the cards, but my attitude and feelings about that keep swinging round as well. Until I'm 110% certain and ready (I'm more certain than I am ready but if I'm not ready does mean I'm less certain than I think?) I figure it's best to shelve the marriage thing.

Eugh I tried to drink a slim fast for breakfast this morning (we have no food in the house at the moment) and it keeps repeating on me. It was gross. I only made it through about a 1/5 of it.

On the marriage front, one thought that has been convincing me recently is that, when you think about it, life is really fleeting. I'm not famous, and although I have potential, I've not done anything so far that will have me remembered by those other than my friends and family. I sometimes think about all the lives that have happened before now, the stories we'll never hear about, the young maids in big victorian houses and the countless men who died in the world wars (for example). All of them had issues, had loves and hates and feelings and where are those feelings now? Surely life only means something if you have those you love with you and you pass on that love, maybe to children. What I'm trying to get at, is that my reservations about marriage are incredibly trivial in the grand scheme of things, whereas being with the man and our love isn't.

Eloping does seem a lot easier. But would it be a cop out and would we lose out in the long run? Would we wish we'd made more of a celebration out of it? As previously discussed, the idea of having all my family and friends and loved ones around me does sound lovely but it also terrifies me at the same time.

Oh fuck it, I've made enough big decisions for one day. Now when's this counsillor going to call me back?